Your Dream Day Wedding Planning Podcast with Kathy Piech-Lukas
Your Dream Day Wedding Planning Podcast with Kathy Piech-Lukas
Navigating the Do's and Don'ts of Modern Day Wedding Etiquette
The golden rule of etiquette isn't what you learned in school. As Dina Schmid of Queen City Etiquette explains to Kathy Piech-Lukas of Your Dream Day, true etiquette means finding out how others want to be treated—and then doing exactly that. This principle becomes especially crucial when planning a wedding, where guests ranging from toddlers to grandparents bring different expectations and needs.
Throughout our conversation, we unravel the often-confused concepts of tradition versus etiquette. While traditions are simply repeated practices (like smearing cake in your partner's face), etiquette focuses on creating comfort. That distinction helps navigate thorny issues like adult-only receptions, where Dina offers a masterclass in handling awkward situations with grace. Her advice for dealing with guests who RSVP with uninvited children? A direct phone call offering solutions demonstrates both boundary-setting and consideration.
Communication emerges as the cornerstone of wedding etiquette. Whether it's clearly stating that a reception has a cash bar, providing hotel block options at different price points, or sending timely thank you notes that specifically mention each gift received, thoughtful communication prevents the uncomfortable surprises that can dampen celebrations. We also explore the evolution of wedding traditions, from RSVP cards (once considered insulting!) to modern QR codes, and how etiquette adapts alongside these changes.
Dina shares fascinating insights into dress codes, from the ultra-formal white tie (think gloves and tuxedos with tails) to casual themes, while cautioning against the trending practice of dictating guest color schemes. Her parting wisdom captures the essence of wedding planning perfectly: "It's okay to break tradition, but it's not okay to break etiquette." By focusing on what makes your guests comfortable while staying true to your vision, you'll create a celebration that honors both tradition and consideration—setting the perfect tone for your marriage.
To listen to more episodes visit www.yourdreamday.com
We are making our own story as we go. Hi, welcome to your Dream Day podcast. I'm your host, Kathy Piech Lukas, and today we have a real treat. I've been looking forward to this podcast so much. I would like to introduce Dina Schmid of Queen City Etiquette and we are going to talk about wedding etiquette and what you should and should not be doing as far as etiquette goes for your wedding in general. So thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me, Kathy, I'm excited. I love to talk etiquette. I kind of geek out a little bit.
Speaker 1:Well, the first thing we were just talking about is there's a difference between tradition and etiquette. They're two completely separate things. What would be some examples of something that was tradition that is not etiquette, or is etiquette became tradition, or vice versa?
Speaker 2:So I think what might help is if I first give an explanation of what etiquette is, because I want people to understand that etiquette isn't that complicated. It's also not all that formal. A lot of people have the wrong idea and there are really just two principles that I would say that you want to follow in order to do etiquette right. That first one is to remember that etiquette's goal is to put yourself and others at ease. That's really what it is. That's why we don't sneeze into somebody's face.
Speaker 1:We sneeze into our sleeve, for example, because it's going to make the other person uncomfortable, right?
Speaker 2:So there's some of those things. The other thing that I think people really need to think about when they think about etiquette is that the golden rule that you probably learned in school, you know, the one that says treat others the way that you want to be treated. Well, that doesn't work for etiquette. What you really need to follow is the golden rule of etiquette and that one tells you that you should find out how others want to be treated and then do that, and a lot of that, I think, is going to come into play with wedding etiquette in particular, knowing that weddings are attended by people who may be just a couple months old to people who may be approaching a hundred, and so there's a wide variation of ages, experiences, mobility, so that will definitely come into play. Now I want to get back to tradition versus etiquette. I feel like it was important that we get that piece. No of course.
Speaker 2:So things that are traditional are just things that have been done and done and done, and I think a good example of etiquette versus tradition is that shoving the cake, smearing the cake into your partner's face, that is actually poor etiquette. I mean, really it isn't. We're supposed to eat neatly. We're not supposed to smear food into somebody else's face. That would be an example of something that's tradition but is poor etiquette. Now there are other times, though, where traditions will change and the etiquette changes along with them, so RSVP is a great example of that.
Speaker 1:Oh, perfect example.
Speaker 2:Yes, a hundred years ago, if you had sent someone an RSVP card, they would have been insulted.
Speaker 2:Wow, right it was saying you don't know how to properly respond to an invitation. Of course it was a little more highbrow back then. You, as a guest, would have been expected to take a piece of your own stationery, out your own pen, write down your response and mail that Probably in cursive. Probably in cursive, and who knows whether you were dipping it in an inkwell. I'm not really sure, but it would have been a lot different. I do know that we weren't sending them Pony Express a hundred years ago.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's good.
Speaker 2:So we had that. When the RSVP cards first came out and started going in invitations, the etiquette experts were just abhorrent about it. It was terrible. We weren't supposed to be doing that. It was an insult to your guests, but people liked it. Much more convenient, and I think brides liked it too, because they probably weren't chasing down as many RSVPs. So that started to become tradition. Well, now, in the electronic era, we are able to take that even one step further. We can have people RSVP by way of email or QR codes.
Speaker 2:I got my first invitation with a QR code last year, where I was able to just blip, blip and respond right there.
Speaker 1:By the last two to three years. I've seen a lot of invitations that have the QR code RSVP and it connects directly to a wedding website where they have an RSVP manager and you can enter in the number of guests and it indicates the number of guests that are invited. So it'll say blank of four or blank of two, which also leads into when are children invited and when are they not.
Speaker 2:Right. There's no tradition, there's no etiquette rules that say you have to invite children or that you shouldn't invite children. I think that is one where it is really your personal taste. It's among the expectations I know. When I got married, my youngest sibling was only 13 at the time, or no, he was 11,.
Speaker 1:I think Wow.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to do the math in my head. I think he was only 11 or around 11. So I had to invite children because I needed my own siblings to come. Plus, we had lots of younger nieces and nephews. We did want them there. To us it wouldn't have felt right without them there, but I know for other people it wouldn't feel right with the children there. So that's really not an etiquette thing, but how you handle not inviting children or how you handle the situation gets down a little bit more to etiquette.
Speaker 1:How would somebody handle? I'm going to give you a scenario. Let's say a wedding invitation was sent and it says clearly on the invitation come celebrate with us adult reception to follow. They send back their RSVP and we'll use an RSVP card in this particular situation because the QR code they would have figured out and they put their children who are under the age of 12 as part of the RSVP. How do you handle that?
Speaker 2:Sure. Well, in that situation I would say you have to call them. You don't want to rely on a text message or an email because you don't know for certain that they've received it. Tone of voice can't come through on that either, and you don't want to tell your mom to deal with it. Mom, can you talk to their mom and tell them? You don't want to do that Really. You need to call them so that you can actually know that your message got through to them. You need to explain to them. You need to be very polite, open about this. Start the conversation. Oh, I received your RSVP. Thank you for RSVPing.
Speaker 2:I don't know that, if you noticed, but on the wedding invitation we have noted that we're having an adult reception. Will you still be able to attend without your children? Or you can say I'm sorry, but we're unable to have your children? Sometimes it could just be a miscommunication. They may apologize If they give you pushback on it. You're going to have to stay firm. Tell them that we just are unable to accompany your children. Here's the point, though that makes it good etiquette.
Speaker 2:See if there's something you could do to help them. I would really like for you husband, spouse, whomever to be able to attend this wedding. Is there anything I could do to help? Would it help if I gave you some recommendations for a babysitter? This is assuming that maybe they have to travel for the wedding. I've known some people who've gone so far as to get a room at the hotel and provide babysitters, and that's a fantastic thing. We talk about putting people at ease. Maybe they're uncomfortable with putting their very young children with a babysitter they've never met Yet. For a lot of people that's going to put them at ease knowing that their kids are at the hotel close by and they're not messing with anyone at the reception either.
Speaker 1:So that's a win-win as far as I'm concerned.
Speaker 2:So if you, have to have that pushback. See if there's something you can do to facilitate this person coming, and if they can't, you just say I'm really sorry, we will miss you.
Speaker 1:And there's nothing wrong with saying that no. You know, I tell people no is an answer, it's not a bad word and in this particular case, it just sounds like you have to set your boundaries and say no you do, don't get upset, don't do anything.
Speaker 2:Try to be empathetic. I understand that you want to bring them with you and then, if you have to be a little clinical, be a little clinical. We are unable to accompany children. That's about it.
Speaker 1:One time I had a wedding reception that was an adult only reception, and part of the reason was they decided not to have a DJ. They decided to have a comedian instead.
Speaker 1:Oh, an adult comedian, an adult comedian and the adult comedian had tailored this act specifically to the couple. So the couple had shared with them some of their little inside jokes and their inside quirks and stories and whatnot, and he incorporated it into this adult gig. So to say, you did not want any child under the age of 18 in there because it would have been inappropriate, it would have been extremely uncomfortable because they probably wouldn't have known what they were talking about and if they did, I would have been even more frightened known what they were talking about, and if they did, I would have been even more frightened Mommy.
Speaker 1:What's this so I mean? So that's also something to keep in mind when you're RSVPing for an event. If it does say adult only reception, there may be a reason for that. It may not just be. We don't want kids and ankle biters running around the dance floor and causing trouble. There may be other stuff going on. The property itself may not be conducive to children.
Speaker 2:Right, and that sounds like a situation I had with one of my own sisters. My youngest sister got married. They had a daytime wedding. There was a very small luncheon afterwards. They chose a public venue with a 21 and over admission policy for the evening to have the reception at. It was basically a bar. Well, my kids were under the age of 21 at the time. They were in the wedding, but they were unable to come to that evening. We had to travel. So in that case, my husband ended up having to stay in the hotel room with our kids. My brother-in-law stayed with his kids as well, so my sister, my other sister and I could go to this reception. Was it ideal for me? No, but did I understand? Yes, did.
Speaker 1:I put up a fight?
Speaker 2:No, because it was, as you said, a situation where it just wasn't appropriate for children to be at anyways. And it worked out. And sometimes you do have to be that gracious guest as well.
Speaker 1:No, that's a perfect example. And another example right here in greater Cincinnati is the casino downtown. They can hold three 400 people inside that ballroom, but you have to be over the age of 21 to enter the property, so you cannot have children at that property, because they don't allow children in the property at all.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's a situation where it should be a little bit easier to explain to someone. Your children cannot be admitted. We're having this at a casino. It's mandatory.
Speaker 1:It's mandatory.
Speaker 2:You must be 21 to enter our reception.
Speaker 1:Exactly, Exactly. Speaking of guests coming in from out of town, the sooner that you can let them know the better. How does Save the Date? And all of that wrap into etiquette.
Speaker 2:So Save the Dates are fantastic. I love them, especially because they are more formal than somebody telling you that oh, the wedding's going to be here. So I love save the dates, I love getting them far in advance, especially if I'm going to have to travel. I do like to say about a year in advance, if you have it. I recognize that some people aren't going to be planning their wedding perhaps that far in advance.
Speaker 1:Oh, you'd be surprised. Usually it's 12 to 18 months. Especially if you have a property that's very, very popular, that will book 12 to 18 months out.
Speaker 2:So, but what I was going to say is even if you are planning it further, you don't really need to send it more than 12 months in advance. I also like the save the dates as an indication of who's going to be invited.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, I had that experience recently.
Speaker 2:My niece is getting married next year. She sent out save the dates and it was very clear that my adult children are being invited individually, because they each received their own save the date, even though one of them still lives with us, so we received that separately.
Speaker 1:How does plus one work?
Speaker 2:So there was no indication on the save the date whether or not there would be a plus one. I don't know what her policy is going to be. What I do tell people, though, is again go back to that. What is etiquette? It's putting yourself and others at ease.
Speaker 2:And think about the situation. I understand that there's usually a limit to the space and the budget. You can't invite a plus one for everybody all the time. That would be the ideal situation. Understand that. So sometimes you really need to think about what's going to put the person at ease. Let's say you have one childhood friend who happens to be single and they're going to be traveling for this wedding but they're not going to know everyone there. Well, give them the plus one so that they can be more comfortable, have a travel companion, someone to come with them, so they're not completely by themselves. If you've got a bunch of single friends in town, they don't necessarily need the plus one.
Speaker 1:Right, and I did that for my own wedding.
Speaker 2:We had a group of friends. We invited all of them. We did not give a plus one to any of them. If they had a serious significant other, we knew them at that point. When it came to family, we did extend plus ones if we knew there was someone that was in their life.
Speaker 1:And to me that's the way to go and not even so much as being the host when you're the couple, you are the host of the event. But even as somebody who's coming to the event, just show your host some respect. I mean, if you have a significant other that you've been dating for an extended period of time, or it's someone that you see potentially spending the rest of your life with, that is somebody that I would say is acceptable to bring as a plus one to a wedding. Don't bring a plus one just for the sake of bringing a plus one, because that host, aka the couple who's throwing the wedding they have to pay for them to eat, they have to pay for them to have a slice of cake, they have to pay for a seat to sit in, which means that they have to pay for another table, another centerpiece. So it's very disrespectful to the host. If you are a guest. Just bringing a plus one for the sake of bringing a plus one and not for this is my partner in crime. This is my partner in life.
Speaker 2:That's who should be the plus one attending and it's also rude to bring a plus one when you have not been invited with a plus one. You should never overstep that boundary and try to bring someone, and it should be clear on the invitation also how many people are invited.
Speaker 1:So if you are inviting with a plus one, do that If it is a special significant other put their name Absolutely, and you can find out the name If you call the guest that you're going to invite. Just ask them what's their name so that we have it not only for the invitation but for the place card. Because at the wedding reception, if it's a plated dinner, you need to make a place card for each individual because the serving team needs to know what they're eating.
Speaker 2:Yes, and that's another etiquette thing is your servers are part of that idea of putting yourself and others at ease your serving team, everybody who's there at that venue that day needs to be treated with etiquette, please. Thank you All of those things.
Speaker 1:So we've gone to the wedding, we've gotten the wedding invitation, we've scanned our QR code, we've RSVP'd. Yes, we know that we can or can't bring our children with us. We get to the wedding and there's a cash bar. Is that proper etiquette? How does that work?
Speaker 2:Sure, a cash bar is totally acceptable. There's nothing says that you have to pay for drinks. In fact, I also want to make it clear that you don't even have to serve drinks If there is something culturally religious where you don't drink or you don't want people to drink.
Speaker 2:Maybe you are in recovery from something, maybe a member of the wedding party is. It's okay not to have alcohol served. I want people to understand that that's okay. If you want to serve alcohol and charge the guests for it, have a cash bar. Please make sure they know in advance.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, you absolutely do.
Speaker 2:You need to put it on the invitation Reception to follow with cash bar and if it's truly cash bar which I can't imagine we would have in today's day and age make it very clear that it's actually cash. Only cash will be accepted. If you're only accepting electronic payments, though, you probably should let people know that ahead of time as well, I have some relatives who don't even have smartphones. It's only recently that I forced my husband to get Venmo, you're lucky.
Speaker 1:I just taught my husband how to use an ATM card about five years ago, so Venmo is going to be another decade from now.
Speaker 2:You have to think about that. What's going to put yourself and others at ease? Well, you don't want people going up to the bar and then being like I don't have a way to pay.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And other. Do other guests have to pick it up for them? We had a situation at a wedding for one of my family members a long time ago where my parents ended up picking up the bill because there was a charge. It was a. It was a strange situation. There was a charge to get in to the bar at the one I mentioned.
Speaker 1:A cover charge.
Speaker 2:It. There was a charge to get in to the bar, the one I mentioned, a cover charge. It was actually a cover charge for everyone to get in to even get to the bride and groom, let alone had to buy their own drinks that evening. So my parents ended up paying for a room because people weren't expecting that, and that's where the etiquette is. Poor is when people don't know what to expect.
Speaker 1:No, and that's a good point, because there's some things that I do see at weddings. With regard to transportation and parking, it is not bad etiquette if you make your guests pay for parking. It's polite and kind and nice if you cover the parking costs for them, but you're not obligated to do that. Same thing goes with shuttles. If you have a large group staying in one hotel, they're all from out of town and you provide a charter bus for them to get to and from your reception. That's being kind. It's not expected by any means.
Speaker 2:No, it isn't. What would be nice, though, is to give people parking information Absolutely and let them know it's going to cost $15 to park at this lot all night. Closest parking is here. Valet parking is available for a fee. Let people know that communication piece is vital. It is so important. Nobody likes walking into a situation and being thrown because I wasn't expecting to have to pay for parking and then people get a little upset too.
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely. And that's where a wedding website could really come into play, because if you send your guests the link to your wedding website, not only can they RSVP there, they can get hotel block information, they can learn a little bit about you and your wedding party, they can see things to do in the area, you can also talk about parking fees and things like that as well.
Speaker 2:Yes, a well informed guest is going to be at ease and there's not going to be those negative surprises. They're going to enjoy themselves much more, and so will you, because you're not going to hear the grumbling and it's going to be some great aunt.
Speaker 1:It will it absolutely will.
Speaker 2:That's what's going to happen. So you don't want that situation. It's your day, it's your special day. You want it to go well and getting rid of these little roadblocks for your guests or those stumbles or surprises which let's talk hotel block for a moment. Yes, because you mentioned that. Yes, and I know that's another thing. Should I provide a hotel block? Do I need to provide a hotel block? Technically? No, you don't need to provide a hotel block.
Speaker 1:Should you? Absolutely. There's no reason why you can't. If you have what's called a courtesy block, which is something your Dream Day can help you do no charge. We do offer a hotel block service that allows your guests to call into the hotel or click a special link that their block is built into it. You can reserve the room with your credit card and you'll have a room. If there's any leftover rooms, they're put into general inventory at the hotel, so the couple is not responsible for paying for those, unless there's a contingency, which that's a whole other podcast, but it's out of respect.
Speaker 1:Now, one thing to keep in mind with the hotel block is, say there's 100 rooms at a hotel, ten of those rooms will be on third-party sites such as Yahoo, expedia, travelocity. They may be a little bit less than your hotel block rate and the reason for that is you have a discounted rate from the list rate, so you do have a discounted rate. Is it possible that one of those Expedia sites could be a couple dollars cheaper? Absolutely. However, the minute those 10 rooms are gone, it is going to spike higher than what your block is and in addition to that, when your guests get to the hotel, if they've booked with a site like Expedia or if they've used RewardPoint, they won't be in the same part of the hotel as the rest of the guests either, unless you contact the hotel in advance and you give them a list of your guests and ask if they could reference the reservations and try to keep all of them together. But it's a lot of work to do it that way, but that's how a hotel block works.
Speaker 2:And they are a great thing to provide, especially if you are doing any type of destination wedding. You absolutely have to provide that block for people because they're going to be traveling.
Speaker 1:That's a lot of research to put on your guests.
Speaker 2:It is. There's also a little bit of comfort that comes from knowing that the wedding party has vetted the hotel. It's in a decent part of town, you're going to be close to the reception or maybe it's even the site of the reception. So that is something that I would say, even though technically the rules of etiquettes don't mean that you have to do it. If we look at that overarching principle of etiquette then yes, you should provide that block to people. The other thing that I've seen I know I've been grateful when I've received invitations where they've had more than one block because of price breaks.
Speaker 2:We need to be conscious that people are going to be price sensitive. You're going to have some people who it's going to be a stretch for them to be able to attend your wedding and to get a hotel room, and you're going to have other people who are going to be like whatever, I just want the closest, the best, and they're going to do that. So I like that. I know we provided that with our own guests. When we got married, we had the reception at a hotel. We had rooms at the hotel, but we were concerned that they would be a little too expensive for people, so we had a block at a nearby hotel as well where the rates were significantly lower. So I think that's a really nice thing to provide to people as well. And as a guest, you don't have to stay at the hotel block either If you are traveling on points. I know there's people these days.
Speaker 1:Marriott points. Yes, marriott points are a big one.
Speaker 2:Right. So you've got your Marriott points and I am a Marriott bot point member myself. I will admit I've got. I've actually got one free night right now and I'm working on more so if somebody were to get married and there's a nearby Marriott, I may choose to stay there. Your guests are under no obligation to stay at that block either.
Speaker 1:Right, right. Well, that's a good point. So you also had talked a little bit about the traditions versus etiquette during the wedding reception. So we had already talked about the cake feeding and smudging it in your face. That's not it's. It's not necessarily poor etiquette, it's just.
Speaker 2:I consider it poor etiquette. Yeah, I mean it's, it's, um, how do people might not? I mean, if you want to do it, what I don't like, and I'm sure we've all seen those videos or where one person smears it and the other person you can see is a little upset about it so if you're going to do that talk about it ahead of time. I know that my husband and I talked about it. We were not going to smear it on anyone. We just, we just didn't want to do that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, we didn't either.
Speaker 2:I was. I was uncomfortable with that idea. There are other things, though, with the tradition versus etiquette. For a long time, tradition and I would say, to some point the etiquette was that you had to have that receiving line.
Speaker 1:Everybody had to line up.
Speaker 2:You had to have. You know, I think it's the bride's parents first, and the bride and groom then the groom's parents. Some people would opt to have the wedding party after that. At least you had to have those core people, though, up front. Well, that's not something you have to do. You can still do it. But where the etiquette comes in, though, is that you still need to talk to your guests.
Speaker 1:Exactly. And nowadays it's logistically difficult to do a receiving line because if you have 200 guests it's going to take you an hour just to do that receiving line. And let's just say you're at a Catholic church, you're going to have an hour before the ceremony, you're going to have the actual ceremony for an hour and then you have maybe up to an hour after that to take pictures and then you have to get out, and so more and more. I mean I'm not seeing the receiving line much anymore. I still see row dismissals where you go row by row.
Speaker 1:The advantage of that is that you control how fast it goes, whereas if you're having a receiving line you might get you know Aunt Betty, who just won't stop talking to somebody, and she holds up the line for 10 minutes. That's, you avoid that problem. Some of the newer trends where you get to at least talk to every guest has been the photo bomb, where you have the couple in the middle on guest has been the photo bomb where you have the couple in the middle on the dance floor and each table comes up to them and they pose a picture, so at least they get to see them at some point during the night. That seems to be the really most logistically. It's fun and it's a logistically friendly way to do it too.
Speaker 2:The idea, though, is that the etiquette there. You do still need to talk to your guests.
Speaker 1:You need to agree with, preferably, each person there.
Speaker 2:You can't just spend time with your wedding party. You can't just be with just your best friend all night, or even just the couple all night. You'll have the rest of your lives together. Your friends will be there. A lot of these people travel for that day and want a little bit of that recognition. Absolutely At least acknowledge them, say hi. You don't have to give everybody a big hug, whatnot you do? Just make an effort. Just make an effort, yes.
Speaker 1:And people know that they were seen. And one other thing that you can do this is something I've had couples doing the last few years is after they're done with group photos. A lot of times you will go and hang out with your wedding party and have some drinks and orders for maybe half an hour or so before you go into the reception, their dinner during cocktail hour in front of their bridesmaids and groomsmen, in that private room specifically so they can go around during dinner while everybody else is eating and say hi.
Speaker 2:And that is fine. I know it can be difficult when it is your own wedding to find the time to eat and drink. I know from my personal experience. I don't know how many drinks I picked up, put down and then lost.
Speaker 1:Oh, I think guests go through that problem too. That's not just.
Speaker 2:that's just not a couple problem, I don't think I finished an entire drink and I think that's okay as long as your wedding party knows they're going to eat. So I had an experience that goes against all etiquette. Many, many years ago, friends from high school got married. We were still in college at the time and I attended with some of my friends from high school. We went together as a group. If I remember correctly, we even pitched in together to get a bigger gift.
Speaker 2:So we went, we attended their wedding and then we went to the reception and it was a dinnertime reception. I seem to recall it started about 5 pm and there were some trays with cheese and crackers there and we were munching on those, waiting for the bride and groom, waiting for the wedding party. When one of the people at my table got up, they went to explore the hotel. They had to go to the restroom. They came back. They had seen that the bridegroom and the wedding party were in a room adjacent eating a full meal. That is not putting your guests at ease and we ended up having to leave because we were all starving after a couple hours because they didn't feed us, but they fed themselves, and so that would be something where I would say that would be different.
Speaker 1:That would be different. Yeah, no, I totally agree. So we have the reception, we're dancing, we're having a great time and now it's time to go home. And how do you handle that? One tipsy had too much fun party goer, which every wedding has one? I will tell you that I would say at least one, yes.
Speaker 2:So this is the case where I like to confer responsibility to another person. Do you have a responsible friend or relative that you can put in charge of making sure that that tipsy person doesn't get in the car and drive under the influence? That's the way I recommend handling that you don't have to pay for the Uber. It would be a very nice thing to do, but if you have that responsible friend or friends, put them in charge of it have them stop that person, have them offer them a ride home or to the hotel, whatever it is, or have them order them an Uber.
Speaker 2:You really do need to make sure, though, that you don't have anyone doing that. You also want to make sure that nobody is completely over-served. Hopefully, whomever you've hired who's running the bar will make sure that you don't have anyone who's fall down drunk at that point.
Speaker 1:So now they've gotten home and now it's time to send thank yous out. How do thank yous work? What is proper etiquette for thank yous?
Speaker 2:So I'm a stickler on the thank you notes. I will say that Thank you notes do need to be sent out. You notes I will say that thank you notes do need to be sent out, and the general timeline is that you have about two months after the wedding to send them. I think it's best if you stay on top of them. And I'd like to bring up princess Diana. Uh, when I talk about thank you notes. So she was princess for a very short time. People forget she died young she was. She died at the age of I think it was 36. And she is known for having written tens of thousands of handwritten notes during her time as being a princess. She was supposedly someone who, if she got a gift that day, she had a hard time going to sleep without writing the thank you note for it. So it's easier if you stay on top of them. If you write the notes for gifts that arrive before the wedding, that's going to mean less you have to do after the wedding.
Speaker 2:So I highly recommend that you do need to send the note, though. If somebody sent a gift, they don't even know if it was received, they don't know what to do. You absolutely need to send that thank you, and it can't be a form letter either. I don't know how many people have read. Is the the diary of a wimpy kid where he used to have fill in the blank notes for thank yous? That is not appropriate. You, you are an adult. You are responsible enough to enter into a marriage. You need to write an actual thank you note. I don't care if you use the same formula for each gift, but it should mention the gift specifically.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:So that people know it was received. You do need to send it within two months and it does need to be handwritten. It really is not appropriate for you to be sending a text message. Hey, got your gift.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's a little tacky got your gift yeah, that's a little tacky. Well, I know just from personal experience. We had one wedding guest at our wedding more than 20 years ago and we're like they didn't get us a gift. Okay. So we're like, how do we handle this? So in the thank you note we said it was so great to see you at the wedding, we appreciate you joining us, you were the greatest gift, or something like that, Like your presence was the greatest gift. It was something along those lines. One week later, we got a phone call did you not get my gift? Because we didn't mention it in the thank you note? And it turned out that the gift they ordered had been placed on back order. So we didn't get it for three months. So it's a significant timeline, but they had no idea that we didn't get it and had we not sent that thank you, we would have had a little grudge like geez thanks.
Speaker 2:And the thing I want to talk about is you really shouldn't hold a grudge for that. There are going to be people whose circumstances dictate that they are not able to send a gift. I don't want you to feel bad. If somebody doesn't send a gift, it's okay, and you handled that perfectly, though, by writing that note saying your presence was our present type of thing. We're very grateful for you for coming, and that's a great way to handle it In this case.
Speaker 1:Yes, it alerted them my gift hadn't been received. Absolutely Any other tips that you would like to share with our engaged couples and people watching today.
Speaker 2:No, I would just say that it's okay to break tradition, but it's not okay to break etiquette.
Speaker 1:Wonderful. How can people find you?
Speaker 2:Sure, if people want to find me, I am, as I said. As you mentioned earlier in the introduction, I own queen city etiquette. I'm on the web. I am on linkedin more than I am on social media. I do also have a youtube channel. Oh, I know, what we didn't talk about was appropriate dress. Oh, yes, that, because that reminded me.
Speaker 2:I am on Pinterest with some things about dress codes, so if you want to communicate to your guests what type of dress code you want. You could look at my Pinterest, see the examples of the different types of dress codes and communicate based on what you want people to wear.
Speaker 1:In short, what does each one mean?
Speaker 2:So the most formal we're going to start there. The most formal is actually white tie. A lot of people think it's black tie, but white tie is even more formal. If I were a guest at a white tie event, I would have to have a long gown. I am probably going to even be wearing gloves. We are going to see men in the waistcoat where they have the little tails coming out. They're probably going to have on a vest. It's the most formal.
Speaker 2:Most people aren't ever going to be invited to a white tie event. Black tie is the next one down. That is also formal. That is where we're talking tuxedos for men and I would say most likely long gowns not necessarily what we'd call a dress is what we would be doing. There are some circumstances where people are going to do T-length or something a little bit different as well, and you will find some people don't necessarily like the traditional tuxedos. A dark suit would be a possible that you could wear there, but you're going to definitely want to have dress shoes. It's not a place to show off your chucks or whatever, you're not going to wear your.
Speaker 2:Doc Martens with this and you're not going to have that, so that's going to be with that. Then we come down and we have semi-formal. Semi-formal is where if you wanted to wear a tux, you could. You're under no obligation to, but again, you're going to, you're going to go with a suit and even if you are a woman, you don't necessarily have to have a dress or a skirt on. You yourself could wear a suit as well.
Speaker 1:You're going to want a nice blouse with it.
Speaker 2:You accessories are going to raise it to a more elegant level as well.
Speaker 1:But in that semi-formal.
Speaker 2:You're probably not going to have the floor length gown, You're going to have more of a cocktail dress. At that point we bring it down and then some people will choose something that's more like business attire, which is taking it down from that semi-formal and is still going to be a little bit nicer. Maybe we're not wearing a suit jacket, we're just wearing the tie and the shirt and that's a very typical wedding attire, In fact most weddings where they don't say any type of dress code. That's basically what we expect. You're also going to want to dress according to the time of day and the season. If it is going to be an evening wedding, darker colors are going to be more appropriate. If it's a daytime garden wedding, if you show up in all black, you're going to look a little odd.
Speaker 2:You're going to want to have something a little bit more colorful for that. So that's going to change within those steps there, there are also people who will have casual weddings. I went to a wedding that was on Halloween and we were encouraged to wear costumes. They wanted the reception to be a costume party because, that's how they had met was at a Halloween party.
Speaker 2:So you will occasionally get themed ones too. So you will occasionally get themed ones too. What's important is that you do communicate those themes, how you want your guests to dress. The other thing that's been coming into play a lot more recently is communicating preferred color schemes.
Speaker 1:Yes, I'm not a fan of that.
Speaker 2:I am not.
Speaker 1:I'm not a fan of that. There's actually a networking group that they actually give you a dress code to come, and I actually don't enjoy going to those events because it's too much effort. I just want to talk to people. But I do understand it gives flair to the event If everybody matches it can make the photos look more harmonious.
Speaker 2:I get that as an etiquette instructor and as a wedding guest too. I am not a fan of those either. I feel that it puts a little bit of an undue burden on guests who may not have something in the appropriate color or style that has been requested. They then need to get something or they need to rent something. I know personally I had to assist my mother for a wedding of a family member and my mother was really stressed out. Is this the right color?
Speaker 2:Because they had been given, I think, four colors, and she wasn't even sure if it was the right shade. She was very stressed out about it. This dress code was not putting her at ease for certain, so I am not a big fan of those.
Speaker 1:I'm so glad because I'm not either, but under no circumstances, ladies, you should not be wearing the color white to a wedding.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:Absolutely not.
Speaker 2:To an American wedding in the US. There are other places where white would be appropriate because the bride isn't going to be wearing white to a US-based wedding, though yes, you should absolutely not be wearing white. Well, us-based wedding note yes, you should absolutely not be wearing white.
Speaker 1:Well, wonderful. On that note, Thank you so much for joining us. Please subscribe so that you can get future podcasts, and we'll try to post something once a week so that you can get educated from the professionals about how to plan your wedding. This is Kathy Piech Lukas with Your Dream Day. Happy planning.
